Equanimity

For the month of February, in honor of Valentine's Day and, frankly, my own need to meditate on LOVE,  I've offered the lens of Buddhist philosophy as a way of thinking about and engaging in love. I love this lens for a few reasons:

• It's ultimately grounded in an invitation to observe, explore and share our own experience. 

• It's intentionally and necessarily multi-dimensional

• It is ultimately a framework inside of which to feel, act and be in love.

 In this view, LOVE has four facets: Kindness, Compassion, Joy and Equanimity. 

And while each facet speaks to a distinct aspect of LOVE, they all belong to the same heart and are utterly inseparable. Much like the four directions of the compass needed to navigate space, all four dimensions of love are needed to navigate our humanity.

Last week we talked about Compassion (Karuna) and Joy (Mudita) as what we find when we bring love to suffering and not suffering respectively.

This week: Equanimity

Equanimity is a quality of relating (just like kindness, joy or compassion) to the way things are that invites us to stay engaged while simultaneously letting go of any outcome.

Equanimity may be the most difficult and counterintuitive of the four faces of love because it's defined by what appears to be a paradox:

Love with Full Engagement and No Attachment

Easy enough when things feel good, but the tricky thing about love, whether for ourselves, our beloved or the world at large is that all too often, things are not quite how we want them to be.  And when things are not quite how we want them to be, we tend to turn away from, or outright reject whatever it is we love. 

Equanimity is the capacity to relate to ourselves, our beloved and the world with love, especially when things are difficult and not at all how we would like for them to be. It is the facet of of love that keeps us from bringing the the inner critic, a blaming finger or unchecked rage to what we love when things don't go our way.

Equanimity is the steady ground that reminds us that the reason that we are critical, blaming or rageful at all is

BECAUSE WE LOVE

While "No Attachment" can sound like apathy in the face of injustice, and "Full Engagement" can sound like the inability to protect oneself in the face of danger, neither is what is meant by the paradox of equanimity. 

FULL ENGAGEMENT

Consider the possibility that unless we can remain fully present with "the way it is" when things become difficult, we can not love. It's so easy to find ourselves challenged to stay present and engaged when we're disappointed or hurt with how we, our beloved or the world is showing up. This abandonment, rooted in fear, is the opposite of love. Equanimity invites us to stay present, aware and engaged as a form love. 

And while it can seem as though this invites us, unprotected, into places of danger, it does not. Full presence requires full awareness and the ability to respond appropriately when there is danger in nearness to a person or situation. When "the way it is" is dangerous, equanimity invites us to set a boundary so that we can still hold kindness, joy and compassion in our heart rather than to spiral into criticism, blame and rage. 

NO ATTACHMENT

No Attachment can sound like apathy, which would directly oppose the invitation for full engagement, but that is not at all what is meant. Far from apathy, non-attachment is a deep and profound acknowledgment that we don't control much of anything. Imagine blaming gravity when a treasured object shatters, criticizing the setting sun when we wish the day wouldn't end or becoming rageful at a snowstorm. Yet somehow, it feels quite natural to blame, criticize or even rage at the things we love (ourselves, our beloved and the world) when they are not how or whom or what we'd like for them to be. 

The ability to let go of attachment releases us from the tyranny of the inner-critic, the blaming finger and destructive rage that undermine love when things are not as we'd like for them to be. Once so released, we are free to make the changes we wish to make with what we love (ourselves, our beloved, the world) with love. 

Both Full Engagement and No Attachment are needed in order to bring our kindness, joy and compassion to all that we love: ourself, our beloved and the world when things get difficult... and isn't that when love is needed the most?  

Love, 

Colette